Clandestine Pumpkin Muffin Caper

Where to begin this unsullied tale? 

My personality is weightier on the side of jovial and helpful rather than of being shy and skittish. To sneak about and share secrets is not fitting for a Southern lady and could reflect poorly on her upbringing. While my grandmother would never consider wearing jeans, I find a strand of pearls pair well with denim and a pointed toe kitten-heel. None of this has bearing on that fateful day when mystery moved in like a thick bank of fog. Shall we begin? 

It was a balmy, autumn Sunday morning in Tennessee.

I have noticed many spy novels reference the weather, time of day and location. So, I’m off to a solid start.

Walking into the foyer of the church, I was quickly pulled aside into a corner near the water fountain. With a fake bush masking the informer's face from the cheerful passersby, the Italian with the dark eyes looked me straight in the eyes and whispered with a husky voice, "Remember these 3 ingredients for the best pumpkin muffins," as he counted each of the ingredients on his fingers. 

"One box of Duncan Hines Yellow Cake Mix, one can of Libby's Pumpkin Solid Pack and one bag of Hershey's Cinnamon Chips." 

"That's it?"

"Yep, that's it."

Thinking he forgot something and because I am jovially helpful, I added, "So, you make the batter according to the package and..."

"No!" he snapped, "Empty all three into a bowl and mix together." 

Incredulous I countered. "What? No eggs?"

"No. Just those 3 ingredients." With that he disappears into the crowd.

I was unprepared. I was skeptical. How can three ingredients and no eggs create "the best pumpkin muffins"? He didn't even tell me how long to cook the muffins nor how high to set the oven temperature. Or did he? I don't remember. My mind was reeling.

Throughout the week, the clouded conversation is never far from my mind. My empty glass-domed dessert footed plate stands there in silence as if it, too, knows the secret. I stare into its emptiness as the realization of the brief encounter with the Dark Chef washes over me. This was no chance meeting.

The Mart-of-Wal is where I suspected the three ingredients may be tracked down. The 100% pumpkin pack, now culturally referred to as pumpkin puree, and the cake mix were easily acquired. However, my hand was on the bag of Hershey's when almost too late I was aware it was a decoy! Not cinnamon, but chocolate chips. This could have derailed the entire operation. Now, that some years have passed, I have discovered the Amazon. Therein, these 3 ingredients may be tracked down. There, too, the illusive gluten is freed and may be spotted with a keen eye.

Once I've retreated to the seclusion of my kitchen, it is only then I dare to open the packages and proceed with the suspicious orders, "Empty all three into a bowl and mix together." The mix is thick...too thick, I think. But, I proceed as directed and prepare the mammoth-muffin tin with a spray of Baker's Joy and a coating of cinnamon sugar in each cup. With the oven preheated to 350 degrees, I decide to bake the batter for 30 minutes. The center of the muffins are jiggly. Not good. The decision is made to add an additional 15 minutes to the baking time due to the overly large size of muffins. When the toothpick test helps to determine the pumpkin muffins are almost ready, they are baked for 10-ish minutes longer. This extra gut-wrenching time could have been avoided by using the smaller muffin tin.

The aroma is inviting. And, with the quick reflexes of years of turning-out baked pastries, each hot muffin was deftly flipped upright onto a wire rack to cool.

The ticking of the clock seems to slow and echo in my head. I can't wait. I must know if what the operative divulged to me at church is true. I split the muffin down the center to inspect the inside. So far, so good. I inhale the still warm, cinnamony heart. My mouth waters and pulse quickens. Now, for the end-all and be-all...the taste.

I couldn't believe it. Why would the man known as 'Micco' risk everything, life, and reputation, to reveal the guarded formula to me?

With that one muffin, I understood...I must have another.

With that second muffin, I understood...it was, now, my mission to reveal to the world the 3 ingredients to "the best pumpkin muffins."