Brokenness Mended Again

07.05.19.  Have you ever wanted to shake your fist to the heavens? Have hard times and insensitive behavior of others left you feeling kicked in the gut, broken-hearted and weak as water? Perhaps, you -like me-  have lifted a defiant chin, gritted your teeth and made a declaration as a modern version of Scarlett O'Hara. 

"As God as my witness, they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry, again."

I have been, there. Not so much the actual food dealio, but I have been there spiritually and emotionally. 

It's funny-not-funny that when I have been at the point where it felt like my spirit was broken and there was no strength to be summoned, up from some abyss deep within this 5'3" frame, a resolve slowly starts to steam its way upward, builds pressure at the back of my throat until it finds my tongue and I snap out a charge at God. 

"Are You listening? Do You see me? Why aren't You doing anything? Am I not Your child?"

If you read this with your finest idea of sarcasm and bitterness and frustration, you have come pretty close to how hard I symbolically shook my fist. I know He is big enough to take it. Honestly, I imagine He sighs at my outburst, "Finally, you're at a point of trusting My words instead of trusting your 'tools' to attempt to bury or heal your pain."

There is this one verse in Psalms 34 offered to bring comfort after someone dies and the loss is more than a loved one can bear. But, what if this same verse were applied when a person is face down with their soul shattered into thin, glass splinters and they are disillusioned with God? 

If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;

If you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath.

Psalm 34:18 MSG

He knows me. He knows the motivation behind the frustration. He knows I know He's right there. Clearly I don't doubt His existence, because I'm hurling questions. I'm certainly not punishing Him with my silence. If perspective is reality, I think it's from a wounding of perceived abandonment that I and others angrily knit our brow and snarl our offenses as threats. 

What do we do after that? What do you do after that?

This post could go deep while the word count climbs to trace back the wounding to the heart of the matter and analyze from all angles and quote famous and knowledgeable people. But, I don't want to go there. 

I want to offer honest observation of my own brokenness-mended. 

I keep coming back and turning over all my stuff to the living and loving Heavenly Father who has known me from before recorded time and chooses to continue to love while walking me through every alleged disappointment I have with Him. After exhausting my challenge and shaking in my anger, God speaks and I absorb His love surrounding me. He gently sweeps up all the splintered pieces mending my brokenness with His Word and with His peace. 

Peace in chaos. This doesn't make sense.

I'm not suggesting I experience a cloud of cotton candy buffering my boo-boos as I float away in a totally relaxed state of mind while all my troubles disappear. On the contrary.

I've taken the freedom to note my interpretation of 1 Peter 5:7... "Give all your stuff to God, because He is most careful with you." 

All my stuff I just blasted Him with is an ammunitions offload while the chaos is still swirling around. By faith, I'm giving all my stuff to Him to deal with knowing when He speaks, my anxiety is hefted by shoulders bigger than mine. When He speaks, wisdom for direction is dropped into my noggin. When He speaks, hope is ignited with promise. It is after He speaks when I have clarity to focus on the truth of His Words and move with intentionality. 

What about you? Isn't it time to give all your stuff to Him? Are you done being angry with His way of doing things? He's got your best interest at heart and is ready when you are to talk it over. Are you ready to have your brokenness mended ...again?

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I'm not quite sure what was in the Day 35 devo in the EMBRACED book by Lysa TerKeurst which sparked my thoughts. Order the book for your own 100 Devotions to Know God is Holding You Close. 

Grace: Tolerance or Love?

06.04.19.  I confess I don't find all scripture uplifting.

Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy are the reasons my goal for reading through the year isn't well, yearly. The other reason is the Children of Israel frustrate me. Why couldn't they just remember all the amazing feats God provided? Miracle after miracle! Why did they keep messing up? 

I would much rather read practical Christianity tips in Ephesians and Romans. But, I chose for this year to be a read-through year and I'm in Judges. <sigh>

Pushing myself through these scriptures, I hear an annoying sound that reaches through to my brain making its way to my one, last nerve and bounces on it. It sounded like someone trying to start their car, but it just won't crank. It keeps on and on and on. 

mee-mee-mee-mee-me.  mee-mee-mee-mee-me.  mee-mee-mee-mee-me.

I look around to see if my neighbor is having car issues. Nothing. The sound stops. I turn back to the nagging failures of the tribes of Israel. 

mee-mee-mee-mee-me.  mee-mee-mee-mee-me.  mee-mee-mee-mee-me.

Once again, I look around for the irritating source. And, once again, the sounds stops.

Off and on for a couple of hours this noise filters through my focus as I work on the computer until focus cracks and I whip around to seek and destroy ...only to see absolutely nothing.

In Day 4 of Lysa TerKeurst's EMBRACE book of 100 devos, she writes about her quiet time with God each morning as a preparation and an invitation. This time spent with Him prepares her for the day at the invitation of Jesus "to do life with Him" and "to look for His activity" throughout the day as she redirects frustration to replace it with grace.

Grace looks like God's tolerance to me. I roll my eyes each time a verse begins with "The Israelites again did what was evil in the Lord's sight." He could have crushed them into the

sand they wandered around and complained in for 40 years. But, He did not, because they were His chosen children. With all the moaning and disobedience, He still chose them.

Grace looks like love to God. With all the moaning and disobedience, He still chose to love them and wanted them to choose Him. 

He still chooses to look at me with those same eyes of grace and love when I am frustrating and disobedient. My soul is deeply thankful Jesus is the rose-colored filter covering my sin and shame. 

"Before the world was created, God had Christ choose us to live with Him and to be His holy and innocent and loving people. God was loving and kind and decided that Christ would choose us to be God's own adopted children. God was very kind to us because of the Son He dearly loves and so we should praise God." (Ephesians 1:4-6 CEV)

My hubby walked into the office about the same time I caught sight of a gigantic fly buzz in and circle around the office. Once I saw him, I knew the source of my frustrating noise, but it flew out the door before it could be silenced forever. 

If you need God to look at you through eyes of grace, I would love to invite to you consider a relationship with His Son, Jesus. If you have already experienced this love, say so, below.