Brokenness Mended Again

07.05.19.  Have you ever wanted to shake your fist to the heavens? Have hard times and insensitive behavior of others left you feeling kicked in the gut, broken-hearted and weak as water? Perhaps, you -like me-  have lifted a defiant chin, gritted your teeth and made a declaration as a modern version of Scarlett O'Hara. 

"As God as my witness, they're not going to lick me. I'm going to live through this and when it's all over, I'll never be hungry, again."

I have been, there. Not so much the actual food dealio, but I have been there spiritually and emotionally. 

It's funny-not-funny that when I have been at the point where it felt like my spirit was broken and there was no strength to be summoned, up from some abyss deep within this 5'3" frame, a resolve slowly starts to steam its way upward, builds pressure at the back of my throat until it finds my tongue and I snap out a charge at God. 

"Are You listening? Do You see me? Why aren't You doing anything? Am I not Your child?"

If you read this with your finest idea of sarcasm and bitterness and frustration, you have come pretty close to how hard I symbolically shook my fist. I know He is big enough to take it. Honestly, I imagine He sighs at my outburst, "Finally, you're at a point of trusting My words instead of trusting your 'tools' to attempt to bury or heal your pain."

There is this one verse in Psalms 34 offered to bring comfort after someone dies and the loss is more than a loved one can bear. But, what if this same verse were applied when a person is face down with their soul shattered into thin, glass splinters and they are disillusioned with God? 

If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;

If you're kicked in the gut, He'll help you catch your breath.

Psalm 34:18 MSG

He knows me. He knows the motivation behind the frustration. He knows I know He's right there. Clearly I don't doubt His existence, because I'm hurling questions. I'm certainly not punishing Him with my silence. If perspective is reality, I think it's from a wounding of perceived abandonment that I and others angrily knit our brow and snarl our offenses as threats. 

What do we do after that? What do you do after that?

This post could go deep while the word count climbs to trace back the wounding to the heart of the matter and analyze from all angles and quote famous and knowledgeable people. But, I don't want to go there. 

I want to offer honest observation of my own brokenness-mended. 

I keep coming back and turning over all my stuff to the living and loving Heavenly Father who has known me from before recorded time and chooses to continue to love while walking me through every alleged disappointment I have with Him. After exhausting my challenge and shaking in my anger, God speaks and I absorb His love surrounding me. He gently sweeps up all the splintered pieces mending my brokenness with His Word and with His peace. 

Peace in chaos. This doesn't make sense.

I'm not suggesting I experience a cloud of cotton candy buffering my boo-boos as I float away in a totally relaxed state of mind while all my troubles disappear. On the contrary.

I've taken the freedom to note my interpretation of 1 Peter 5:7... "Give all your stuff to God, because He is most careful with you." 

All my stuff I just blasted Him with is an ammunitions offload while the chaos is still swirling around. By faith, I'm giving all my stuff to Him to deal with knowing when He speaks, my anxiety is hefted by shoulders bigger than mine. When He speaks, wisdom for direction is dropped into my noggin. When He speaks, hope is ignited with promise. It is after He speaks when I have clarity to focus on the truth of His Words and move with intentionality. 

What about you? Isn't it time to give all your stuff to Him? Are you done being angry with His way of doing things? He's got your best interest at heart and is ready when you are to talk it over. Are you ready to have your brokenness mended ...again?

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I'm not quite sure what was in the Day 35 devo in the EMBRACED book by Lysa TerKeurst which sparked my thoughts. Order the book for your own 100 Devotions to Know God is Holding You Close. 

PEACE, ICE CREAM and TOGETHER-NESS

“If you don’t want us to be in the ministry, anymore, just say the word. Right now, you make the decision. What’s it gonna be?”


We had been doing ministry, together, as singles longer than we had been doing ministry, together, as husband and wife. Any couple with years of marriage to their credit knows, those first years of wedded bliss can be peppered with heated battles of the wills which are typically silly spats that “old married couples” just blow off because they have learned which battles to pick. Adding the stresses of ministry has the potential of becoming polarizing. But, as young couples do what young couples do, the emotions of the moment ebb, forgiveness gently flows and the make-up is great! Huggy, kissy, lovey! 

But, not this night.

Together, staring at the ceiling in the dark bedroom, both of us had had it. It, being the frustration with the ministry and with each other in the ministry, had exploded into a huge argument. My hubby wanted peace. I did, too. He was torn between tension of the calling pulling on the home. I was torn in half.

Perhaps, it was from holding my tongue and internalizing while church people felt the freedom of expressing their displeasure and opinions. Perhaps, it was from high expectations from the leadership while I did not even live up to my own. Perhaps, it was insecurity from the past stepping on my heels. Perhaps, it was all of these and more in a perfect storm converging at that hormonal time of the month. 

Regardless, there it was. “Right now, you make the decision. What’s it gonna be?”

Acutely aware our future was in my hands, I lay there with eyes unblinking staring at the ceiling in our dark bedroom. My mouth was dry. I wanted out. I wanted us to be a regular couple who attend church, together, on the weekends and some Wednesdays. I wanted to be the normal couple who work 9-to-5 jobs and leave the stress of work stacked up on their desks until Monday morning. I imagined we could be the idyllic couple who hand-in-hand leave church on Sundays to happily spend the remainder of the day at the lake and not give one thought to church finances or who decided to leave because of something said in a pulpit. I wanted my husband to drive a new sports car, if he wanted to, without repercussion that a preacher should not be making that kind of money. And, I wanted to not be told to not wear a new dress on Easter so others felt better about not having a new dress. For heaven’s sake, my double-pierced ears are not of the devil! Nobody else lives like this… why do we have to?

Staring up in the dark, it seemed like forever as I remembered the personal calling to ministry I felt as a student in summer church camp and the many conversations with the guy I was going to marry as we dreamed about life and ministry, together. I was dreamy about him and how the preacher life would play out. As ugly as that night’s argument felt, it was a revelation of how differently men and women think and how immature I was. 

I swallowed and licked my lips. Somehow feeling the weight of the future on my chest, but knowing the future would be with the love of my life, I whispered my decision. Then, my young hubby reached for my hand in the quiet, darkness and prayed for us.

That early marriage, dark room decision made so many years ago has been strengthened in the repetitions of doing the work of ministry and in living through some of the worst times in our life. From then to now, we have done it, together. And, we have stayed, together. 

Together is a word tapping a deep joy in my soul.

Honestly, surveying back, the greatest of struggles have been the blindsiding situations slamming into our lives like a Black Rhinoceros ramming into a clown car. It always happens at a time when both my hubby and I were physically tired and spiritually sapped. I am thankful for a man who asks, “Have you had your Jesus-time, this morning?” because he understands the enemy goes after the weakling. As old-fashioned as it may sound, we read the Word, together, and listen to the Word preached, together, thereby strengthening our spirits.

We work well, together, my preacher-man and I. Not everyone has this luxury. Many don’t see it as a blessing. Where he ends, I begin and vice versa. Even though ministry locations and job descriptions change, we hustle hard observing, processing and doing the work.

Then, after the Word and the work, we rest and play, together. Sometimes, it’s a quiet evening by the fire reading or it’s hiking over rocks and roots discovering a new trail or it’s a tall twist ice cream cone at our local drive-in. Joy is sweeter when there is peace and ice cream in the marriage!

It’s been said for every struggle is an even greater joy. I don’t know. I haven’t been counting. What I do know is that God has given me joy in creating a wonderful marriage with the man I love. And, we can face any struggle in or out of ministry, together.

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This blog post first appeared on SANCTUARY | Ministry to Ministry Wives founded by friend of the family and sister-in-ministry, Bridgette Tomlin.

Bridgette's goal is to connect ministry wives and ultimately end the isolation we tend to back ourselves into when loneliness and stress crush our spirits.

If you are a preacher's wife, a wife on a church or other ministry staff, visit Sanctuary to redefine what sanctuary and connect!

Meditate

Meditate.

If this word has you wigged-out because of associating it with a weird, mambo jambo of emptying the mind while listening to a zithy sitar and tabla drums, rethink the word. 

How about we look at it as thinking?

One of the first Bible verses I memorized as a child was during a summer VBS (Vacation Bible School) at my home church in Louisiana:

"...his [or her] delight is in the law [precepts, command, directives] of the Lord; and in that law doeth he [or she] meditate day and night" Psalm 1:2 (KJV). (emphasis mine)

Of course, it was in the King James Version! It would not be until several years, later, when I would be introduced to the American Standard Version (ASV) and the New Living Translation (NLT) and actually understand what I was reading.

In the above scripture, the psalmist understood the value of meditation. There are many references in the Bible to meditating. In each passage, the person was engaged in study or intentional thought instead of the ever-increasing mainstream practice of a transcendent disengagement whereby the practitioner hopes to move into a place of nirvana.

The following represents my opinion and experience of two types of meditation:

ACTIVE MEDITATION is "devoted thinking" in which the person is consciously engaged in reflective thought offering words of praise and thanksgiving. Active meditation might include a prayer list or deep study.

I recall a few years back of actively meditating in a word study in an Old Testament passage to better understand current news. The study within cultural context brought clarity and perspective.

Not to be confused as the opposite of Active Meditation, INTENTIONAL STILLNESS is simply a different conscious engagement. For me, this time is best described as being still and quietly adoring the Lord. In devoted awareness, I listen for His voice. I have my journal handy to jot down thoughts, words and doodlings with arrows and dialog bubbles and diagrams back to correlating thoughts. Sometimes, this meditation is more difficult to concentrate when I have a To Do list that keeps interrupting. When this happens, I actively order my thoughts back to the present by reading a Psalm or listening to worship music until my restless --and caffeinated-- brain focuses.

In both types of meditation, I am consciously engaged. My mind is full, but with different purpose. Peace isn't something hoped to move into, it is a result of spending personal time or meditation with the Lord. Just like a lingering fragrance, His peace prevails even in times of chaos and stills my mind even when I cannot immediately withdraw to aloneness with Him.

Limit your distractions. You know the best time to pull or push back to create a sacred boundary for precious time. Would you be willing to get up earlier in the morning to meditate? Turn off technology. Sure, you could let your thumbs swiftly type out prayers on your cellphone, but would the pop-up notifications break into the holiness of the moment?

Shame and guilt should be banished from this sacred space. The fact you want to spend time with God should not compete with feelings of inadequacy. Young moms and caregivers to ailing parents are in a season when meditation comes in snatches of time between naps and feedings and schedule demands. 

I remember the early years of being a new mommy, when folding warm, fuzzy towels fresh from the dryer was an active time for my mind to breathe prayers or reflect on His goodness. Spiritual and emotional strength would infuse my weariness in the minutes it took to empty the basket, fold and stack the laundry. God knows the heart. Posture of the soul matters so much more than the posture of the body. He honors those who seek Him in humility and in confidence.

"God's there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it" (Psalm 145:18, The Message).

Imagine the creativity and productivity flooding from a relaxed body. Imagine resolve emboldened by confidence from our Creator. Imagine meditation so sweet the effect is noticed by others throughout the day. Imagine this being you.

Right now, while this is fresh, set a time to meditate. I would love to hear back from you.

--"Sam"

The Woman of Bethany

It was almost Passover celebration time, again, and Jesus was invited to have a meal in a home in Bethany, a city a few miles from Jerusalem. As was the custom, men reclined around a table eating and talking about things that men talk about. Most likely women with their heads covered were quietly moving in and out of the room seeing to the needs of the supper table, when she walked in.

She was branded “immoral” and “sinful.” The fact that her head was uncovered was confirmed her profession. Her long, wavy, dark hair was loose. No matter. Loose is how she was described by others. She couldn’t change that. No one cared to find out how she came by this “bad name” in the community. And, if they did, it was surely in a rumor-filled gossip session around the local marketplace. Lowest of the low. Avert your eyes. Don’t even look at her …this…this whore.

As soon as her presence is known, conversation trails off. Sentences aren’t completed as all in house realize who this woman is. She knows she is not welcomed here and quickly searches the room. Finding Him, their eyes lock and she moves quietly to His side of the table to kneel at His feet. With a whimper barely audible, she leans over and grabs Jesus’ feet kissing them and wetting them with a stream of tears she’s held back for years.

All of the twisted anger and the ugly thoughts of herself and the deep brokenness are being poured out from the bottom of her soul. Eyes blurred she reaches for something to wipe his feet soiled with road dust and animal muck. Usually loosened for the intimacy of the bedroom, she reaches for her loose hair. This act causes murmurs around the table. “If He’s really a prophet, He would know what kind of woman this is touching Him.”

Having everything and nothing to lose, she opens the jar she brought and pours the expensive perfume, first, onto His feet wiped clean and kisses them. Then, she rises and spills the remaining perfume as grateful affection in worship upon His head. The fragrance is filling the room and wafting on the air to the rest of the house. Not one person is clueless as to the source.

Greedy hearts of men are revealed as the expensive offering is dismissed as a waste. If she heard these words intended to describe their disgust with her, she didn’t let on. She continues pouring out, wiping and kissing allowing the emotional wounds serrated by use and abuse to soften and heal with each expression of intimacy. As far as she is concerned, she and Jesus are the only two people in the room.

With the tenderness of the scene subsiding, Jesus finally speaks. He addresses common courtesies, providing a washbasin for visitors’ feet and oil to moisturize their parched faces from the hot sun, neglected to be offered to Him as a guest in this man’s home. Also, He reminds the man of the traditional greeting, a kiss on the cheek, was forgotten. To the others around the table, He rebukes because of their judgmental attitudes.

At last, Jesus turns to the woman of Bethany whose loose tresses hang tousled with drying tears and the scent of her fragrant offering. He accepts her costly adoration and proclaims, “Your sins are forgiven. Your faith has saved you. Go in peace.”

In His omniscience, Jesus knows what the men were thinking. He knows what she had been, yet, sees her as equal and deserving of the same perfect grace. In His eyes, she is perfect and whole and valuable.

________ 

You may have experienced the use and abuse of others. Mistakenly you may view yourself as through their eyes. Instead of a genuine smile, you see a soulless mask you’ve hidden behind for years.

Thoughts like soiled, not good enough, stupid, ugly, fat, skinny, not wanted, scarred, not loved have clouded your eyes that should sparkle with vitality, but reflect emptiness and brokenness.

In the presence of Jesus, we may be acutely aware of our past, our sins, our shortcomings. But, He does not see us this way.

“He is close to the broken hearted and rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalm 34:18

“He came to seek and save the lost.” Luke 19:10

 “If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that 

God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” Romans 10:9

“…you are made holy, by Jesus’ act just as He did for all people

who call on His name.” 1 Corinthians 1:2

“Anyone who belongs to Jesus, has become a new person. The old life is gone. 

Everything is made new.” 2 Corinthians 5:17

“How beautiful you are, my love.” Song of Solomon 1:15

Jesus loves you and wants you to know it.

"God loved the world so much that He gave His one and only son, Jesus, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life."

John 3:16

Say What You Need to Say

Life is too busy to let words of life go unspoken.

I love you. I value you. 

I forgive you. 

Please, forgive me.

Of all of the useless words we let fly out of our face on a daily basis, shouldn't we be purposeful with words? 

• Intentionally building a relationship. 
• Strengthening love with family. 
• Freeing someone's spirit from fears and insecurities. 
• Defusing tension...real or imagined.

Giving someone a "piece of my mind" may seemingly endow them with more than they had. But, will my words tear them down just so I feel better about myself? Life is too unforgiving.

Is it worth it?

Words need to be spoken -or written- to call out that spark of greatness in a younger person's life which they cannot see.

Was there a teacher, school guidance counselor or youth pastor who saw your potential and suggested a profession?

How about an employer or department director who complimented your hard work causing your untapped creativity to surface?

Or, what about that sweet note you received from someone when you were going through a rough spot or grieving the loss of a loved one?

Words of life offer hope. 

Without hope, people give up in despair. 

Words of life give healing to wounded spirits.

Join me in swallowing down pride or insecurities. 

Say what needs to be said.

**Proverbs 15:23